Stuff
I’m not sick anymore.
An official date of Feburary 20th has been set for my move to Texas. I have still yet to tell my mother or anyone else about it, though my aunt knows now.
On a related note…
(Potentially angry content below. This is where I warn you to put on your anti-emo eye protection before proceeding. Contact your doctor immediately if prolonged exposure occurs. Batteries not included.)
I really enjoyed being in California, and I’ve figured out why… I didn’t have to do anything. I mean, sure, I had plenty to get done — probably moreso than ever — but I didn’t care. Nobody cared. Nobody expected me to do it, and nobody threatened if I didn’t do it that a thousand monkies would pour through the doors and windows to maul my left hand.
I’m just tired of being expected to do something, and not being respected for having done it when I do. I spent every morning of my life for 3 weeks working to help my aunt and uncle convert the garage into office space for him and I so my aunt would be happy. Sure, I would (in theory) benefit from doing this by having my own office, finally some peace and time to be left alone to finish my projects, but alas, it wasn’t good enough — It’s never good enough. Just when it’s teetering on the brink of my aunt’s unobtainable statisfaction, she wants more. Another room of the house stripped and rebuilt, more of my time taken away to do something I was perfectly happy with never having known.
I don’t think I should be expected to do something, just to be rewarded with being told “Oh, sure, you can live here… but now you have to pay money for it, AND all your time AND THAT WALL ISN’T WHITE ENOUGH, DO IT OVER!!”, after I fully volenteered the effort in the first place — or didn’t volenteer it at all — and the only concern from them when I want out is how they’re going to get anything done without my time and effort to do it for them.
I start too many paragraphs with “I”.
Am I the only one who sees the fault in there? Am I wrong for trying to think of it logically? Do I magically owe these people my entire life? One could argue that without them, I would have never had a life, though one could also argue that in this state that might not have been such a bad thing.
I also feared alot in California. I fear change more than anything, and even more than that I fear not being able to predict what’s going to happen next. I worry constantly that this might not be a good idea. I have a very specific way of living; I’m very obsessive, I need to move around the house silently, yet must be able to hear every other sound, I have a specific expectation for how a house should function and be organized. For a (very) short time, I did try to maintain some type of order and organization to the apartment in California (I would even consider saying my aunt would’ve been proud, but she wouldn’t've been; it wouldn’t have been good enough). As much as I try to hide it, I worry alot about how other people are thinking of me, even my closest friends and family.
That’s all I got for now.